Despite the fact that most of us Australians live dangerous lives pretty similar to the late, great, Steve Irwin (RIP), the figures show that we really do live longer than just about any foreign types you would care to name.
Sure, maybe the Japanese and Hong Kongians are living a few months longer on average, but then they don’t have to dodge the barbs of stingrays and sudden attacks by dropbears, like we Aussies do on a pretty regular basis.
Scientists interested in finding the key to immortality are turning their attention to the Aussie diet – (or, we assume, the ones who read this blog are anyway.) Now for those non-Australians out there who like living where you are, and don’t want to travel through Kevin Rudd’s Christmas Island Welcome Motel, it may yet be possible to add elements of the Aussie diet to your own, and add years – possibly decades – to your lives.
In this, we bring you the secrets of the Australian Longevity Diet.
Beer is now known to be good for you, a fact first discovered by pioneering Aussie amateur nutritionists in the Northern Territory. It is only now that scientists are catching up with the intuitive wisdom of people like David Boon and Bob Hawke. Aussies generally just kind of know stuff like this without having to do the studies.
2. Sausage sandwiches.
Scientists and nutritionists still do not fully understand the link between sausage sandwiches and the longevity of Australians, because most of them have never really thought about it. However, what we do know is that the average Aussie will eat an absolute truck-load of sausage sandwiches in their lifetime, and that this lifetime will extend another lifetime past your average blink-and-you’ll miss ‘em Ethiopian or Russian. Possibly it has something to do with the sharing of germs from unclean barbecues which means that Aussies have auto-immune systems that are enough to send your average Ebola virus into long-term group therapy. Possibly it has something to do with the anti-oxidants found in Australian tomato sauce, or maybe it has to do with the extra beer that Australians drink while eating sausage sandwiches. Clearly, this is an area that requires more heavily-funded research.
3. Golden Gaytimes
If you went to a nursing home and asked some old Aussies if they have eaten Golden Gaytimes, there is an excellent chance that they have. A coincidence? We think not. This delicious caramel-flavoured ice-cream is covered in crunchy biscuit crumbs, which we reckon probably explains the excellent health of the average Aussie’s digestive system.
4. Beetroot in hamburgers
It’s hard to believe, but long-living Aussie tourists swear that quick-dying folk from a range of foreign countries don’t have beetroot in their hamburgers. While many Australians don’t even like having beetroot in their hamburgers, it is believed that the simple act of removing beetroot from a hamburger may provide enough medicating purple stuff on the fingers to protect Australians from diseases ranging from gout to gonorrhoea.
5. Lime cordial
Aussie children are brought up on a range of cordials, but the most mysterious of all is green “slime” cordial. Little is known about the ingredient that gives this cordial its deep green colour and slippery texture, but we can speculate that the colour is reminiscent of certain mosses you might only find in the twilight world of Tasmania’s ancient rainforests
Vegemite is derived from yeast extracts that are rumoured to be remnants from the beer-making process. Say no more.
7. Chiko Rolls
Possibly the most mysterious of all the dishes in the Australian Longevity Diet, scientists can only speculate about the health benefits of these deep fried cylindrical things because nobody knows anything about the ingredients.
It is understood that you will find most of the vitamins in lamingtons on the border of where the chocolate soaks into the sponge. Leading medical experts believe that when these vitamins are attached to the longer lasting bits of coconut, they can provide weeks of protection against a range of diseases including rickets and leprosy.
Top scientists can ascertain the age of most Australian children merely by looking at the crust of Milo on their face that has transferred from the top rim of the glass. Generally speaking, if it’s somewhere on their forehead, they are either very young, or it’s a bloody big glass. These same top scientists are still trying to ascertain whether or not this magical cocoa and barley extract helps to stave off old age, but preliminary investigations seem to suggest there is a link between Milo and youthfulness.
10. Sugar glider wings.
The deep-fried wings of sugar gliders – only available at Australian branches of KFC – are thought to contain cartilage responsible for the legendary sexual potency of the average Australian male.