By Ahsan

Now every time something major happens in South Asia, we cover it on the blog and get a lot of first-time and one-time visitors thanks to google searches and blogs or websites linking to us. Many of these newbies leave comments. This post is a response to some of these commenters.

In general, we see four types of Indian newbies on the blog. I will arrange them in decreasing order of cuteness.

1. The Kumbayas

Description: I love these guys. They’re so cute, I want to pull their cheeks. Honestly. Such well-meaning people. The Kumbayas are the type of people who won’t run a red light even at 3 in the morning, who will laugh at their grandparents’ stupid jokes just to make them feel better, and will take the blame for their kid brother getting caught with a cigarette (“they’re mine; I don’t know how they ended up in his drawer”) just because.

Their comments will usually include (a) a message of condolences to the victims of whatever tragedy has engendered the discussion; (b) a message of reconciliation; (c) words of encouragement to the blogger in question; and (d) a message of hope for the future, usually but not always reflected in the idea of peace in the subcontinent. With the heavy doses of cynicism the readers of this blog are usually subjected to by its contributors, it is heartening to see that there are still some idealists left in the world. Of course, none of what they say is actually possible, but I love them for believing it anyway. How can you not?

Sample comment:

What makes me sad, is the speed with which people in both our countries (I’m Indian) jump to blame each other for every single incident.

It is just tragic that sports has been made so explicitly political. Sports is political, no doubt – but mindless, meaningless acts of violence in the arena of sport makes the world a much poorer place.


And another sample:

Guys, this is not the place and time for pointing fingers at each other and blaming each other. This is a sad moment for cricket and for Pakistan.Can’t we express same solidarity and support to our friends from Pakistan as they did during Mumbai attack. This incident could have occurred anywhere- be it India, Bangladesh or SriLanka.This incident has again exposed the horrific truth that whole South Asia has become vulnerable to terrorism.Lets get united and fight terrorism together

My response: Thanks, guys! You’re really the sweetest. Again, none of what you hope to achieve will happen, but every now and then, it’s nice to read this stuff.

2. The sort-of-concerned and sort-of informed

Description: These people don’t hold extremely strong views either way, but sound more analytical than group 1. Unfortunately, they are not very-well informed about the structures and processes of politics in Pakistan, though this does not diminish their desire to opine. Which is fair enough; Lord knows how much crap I’ve spewed about stuff I know nothing about. Their comments usually (a) have a diagnosis of what ails Pakistan and/or (b) have a prescription of how to fix Pakistan and/or (c) contain surprise and shock at some element of Pakistani politics or culture that would be plain to anyhow who pays regular attention.

Sample comment:

it’s time for people of pakistan to get on the streets and start demanding action from the government instead of sympathising with it(remember what happened in mumbai,the anger was against government rather than the terrorists).

Start questioning the peace deal with taliban,the terror camps(freedom fighters.. as u say !!) in pak occupied kashmir
The sloppy media who doesn’t see the constant flip flops of its government eg Your government wants ” drones ” which were said to “counter productive” by your prime minister.

Lastly i am scared in india if my neighbour in future might be taliban rather than pakistan !!

Frightening!!!!!


And another sample:

Pakistani citizens must openly raise their voices against terrorism and must demand action against the terrorists

- Ashwin Ramaswamy , India


And another sample:

I am a big fan of Pakistan cricket. And this incident is indeed sad for the such a great team. Having said that, I am sure there will be lot of like minded people in Pakistan who would want to get an answer to why this incident took place. I would be really glad to see a grand scale public questioning and raising of voices by citizens.

No doubt this incident is a dark spot in Pakistan’s history. However, the only positive that Pakistanis can get from this is if they start finding the right culprits and making sure that these “dirts” are cleaned forever. Government of Pakistan has to pro-active and answerable.

I still feel that there are a lot of things in Pakistan that are way too secretive. I hope this incident will result in more transparency as a result of strong public pressure.


And another sample:

@AKS

I frankly didn’t think a pakistani could openly espouse and be so vocal with thoughts like yours. Now I know better.

Seriously, are you safe in pakistan saying things you do?

Hope you and your friends here gain greater space in in all forms of pakistani public discourse.


My response: Alright, first of all, no one in Pakistan is going to rise up and condemn terrorism, certainly not when there are more important issues to get out on the street for, like protesting Danish cartoons or professing one’s love for Dr. A.Q. Khan. Secondly, even if people did protest, nothing would actually come of it; do you guys really think the government here cares about public opinion? If it did, old man Chaudhry would be back on the Supreme Court instead of languishing at home for the last two years. Finally (and this goes to the last sample comment) please don’t worry about us (the Rs.5 crowd): no one at the ISI even knows what a blog is, much less how to read one online. Plus, no one really cares what we say since we exist so far out of the mainstream that there really is no purpose in us saying anything except entertaining ourselves; no one, including our families, gives a crap about what we think. Also, this may come as a shock to you, but criticism in Pakistan of public figures and institutions is usually quite vociferous and public in newspapers and on television. We’re certainly not pioneers in this respect; we’re just the least important.

3. The relishers

Description: These people take great pleasure in Pakistan suffering at the hands of the militants it created. In fact, if I didn’t already know that “schadenfreude”was a German word, I would bet that its origins were Indian. Anyway, the relishers — in addition to taking pleasure in Pakistan’s pain — usually do three things. One, they usually preface their comment with a blatantly insincere disclaimer, like “I know I shouldn’t say this, but…” or “I’m sorry I feel this way, but…”. Two, they are experts in stating the obvious vis-a-vis the origins of these militant groups. Three, they forget that Pakistan has suffered from militancy for a long, long time, and thus usually insert something nonsensical like “NOW you know what we went through”.

Sample comment:

Am I sick for feeling in a secret sick way, really happy now that you wonderful people from the land of the very pure are facing such problems?
You butchered so many millions and ironically your ancestors were butchered by that atrocity and joke called as Islam…now you are paying the ultimate price for following the religion of peace…do enjoy your time on earth, until sufi mohamed kicks your beautiful round asses. (oh wait he already has)


And another sample comment:

Many of you in Pakistan seem to have begun understanding the real issues facing the world and Pakistan too – that is all heartening, but it is not enough – you need to come out in force and protest every time there is an attack in Mumbai or Lahore or Barcelona…the Muslim Street is quick on the draw when it comes to cartoons in some 2 bit newspaper in Europe, where is that street when your butchers murder in Mumbai or London or 911?
Not to already rub salt, but you folks are now getting a taste of your own medicine…surely what you sow will be reaped…this is an ill wind that you sowed and now you are beginning to reap the harvest and how…


My response: What insight! I am taken aback by the depths of your empiricism!

4. The fascists

Description: These are the types of people who go ape-shit in the comments on Youtube cricket clips. You know who I’m talking about (if you don’t, click here for my examination of nutty Indians and Pakistanis on Youtube). These people are almost always drive-by commenters (i.e. they come here, say something, leave, and then never come back). They usually express themselves using CAPS TO EMPHASIZE THEIR POINT or appallingly bad grammar and spelling. Their modus operandi is usually to say something over-the-top and offensive to create a stir, and sit happily as some poor naif takes the bait and responds. Which is fine. We welcome all fascists on Rs.5, not just the ones we agree with.

Sample comment:

ONLY SOLUTION
BAN ISLAM NOW…


And another sample comment:

This sick mofo of a country er Geographical expression called as Crapistan deserves what it is getting…I say let Osama get a hold of those bombs they have and use it to finish Islam in S Asia..Islam is a joke…it needs to end period…Fight and oppose Islam not because it is a religion but because it isn’t…schadenfreude..yeah and am I loving it…damned now I want to remove the tube that supports these bastard crapistanis and finish them once and for all.


My response: So I have a book recommendation for you guys: this. It’s actually very good, and you guys might pick up some pointers on your life mission. Best of luck.